chapter one📜🍃

source: pinterest

September, 2024

it's always not easy to start again for the first time in ages, though she's all alone here.

confused, lost, and full of uncertainties... maybe those are the perfect words to describe how she feels right now, and how to begin a long story telling which has been hidden for almost a decade.

two years after graduated from uni, and she still unsure about her life, her career, let alone her future.

"two years are not the short period. it's long enough to change your life."

"it's long enough to make everything settle in its own place."

that's what people said to her. the same people who will bluntly judge her without caring about how she feels. the same people who if knowing her situation simply didn't care about what she has been through.

but time is relative. two years are too short for her. is it just an illusion? is she denial? or is it true? she doesn't know. all she know is... she doesn't want this. she also hope that everything will be settled in its own place during that period. but she failed! she knows it without people emphasize it! she knows! she doesn't want people to call it out and make it clear, 'cause she knows it all!

she just want to be heard and understood.

why is it hard for them to get it? why? well, people love to judge everything.

today, she's in the crossroads between reality or dream. between passion or life demands. both options are still not certain. first option is remind her to her old dreams which she found it again last year. second option is one of her ways to get out of it. to get out of these uncertainties.

"ways?"

yes ways. she knows there are still many probabilities that can happen. but can you imagine how many failure that happened in short time can impact to your mental? yes ways. but if you're all alone, bear it all by yourself and all your plan was just scrambling down and nothing really worked out, how can that affect your confidence? that's what she feels and one of the things that she's keeping it in her mind these past years.

days by days she convinced herself to take that test. half-heartedly she wanted her dream. half-heartedly she needed that job. too naive to keep her passion, in this economy, in her country, without privilege. it's not the right time to compare two things, which one will give her the best benefits. but she also doesn't want something like this happen again in the future, or at least if it happens again, she won't be too late to handle it, so she dumbly keep that dream. 'cause she knows,

this is the same dream that make her alive in this similar situation in the past.

there's another reason also that will always affect her decision. her idealism. well, again she knows that it's too naive to consider that thing in this struggle time, but it keeps buzzing in her head. it's making her questioning again about her stand. where does her heart and thoughts belong. her life principal. it's truly complicated yet everything is still blurry at the same time. too many tangled web waiting to be untangled sequentially.

well, at least she's trying.